Fountain of Life
Foster Falls, South Cumberland State Park, TN
“They feast on the abundance of your house,
and you give them drink from the river of your delights.For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light do we see light.”Psalm 36:8-9 (ESV)
Doing a Google search on “fountain of life” yields some interesting results. Some mystical tonics are listed, a few fresh water/well digging organizations, and a LOT of churches named “Fountain of Life”. Dig a little further and you can read about ancient Christian iconography, legends involving Alexander the Great, and the Epic of Gilgamesh (thanks Wikipedia). I suppose the point here is the imagery of a “fountain of life” goes way back and is a part of cultures and folklore millennia old.
The idea is pretty simple: a mystical (supernatural, “otherly”) source of infinite energy and life that rewards the seeker with unnatural longevity. It’s interesting the Hebrew psalms also make use of this imagery, but point instead to God - “For with you is the fountain of life”. He alone offers what men and women since the dawn of time have fruitlessly searched for on their own. He is the wellspring and the One who provides the “river of delights”.
Jesus would go on to appropriate this imagery and apply it to Himself. “…but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (John 4:13-14, ESV)
As caregivers, let’s get honest for a minute. Feelings of eternal refreshment, let alone drinking from rivers of “delight”, feel very unattainable most of the time. We often feel drained, parched, and alone. I was speaking with a group of new caregiver friends this week and one theme that was common to all of us was a sense of “loss of delight” in life. Most of us had put aside things that previously brought us pleasure (like art, music, running, sports, day trips, etc). As caregivers, our lives often become rearranged around a different gravitational pull - the needs of the ones for whom we are caring. Because we are so invested and care so much, we often feel guilty about indulging any “self care”, even if we do have the opportunity to do so.
Photography, particularly landscape photography while hiking, is a hobby that refreshes my soul. I’m not great at it, but it’s something that brings me joy. While we were in full time caregiving mode, I had to largely put that aside. Day trips were out of the question.
But, on the rare occasion I was able to plan enough ahead and create space to take a half day photography excursion, this is how it would play out:
Week before: Jeremy obsesses in his mind about whether this is a good idea or not.
Day before: Jeremy has settled on a target location and done all his pre-packing and planning.
Night before: Jeremy has severe second guesses about this whole plan, and feelings of guilt mount. “I really shouldn’t be enjoying myself with all that’s going on…”
Morning of: Jeremy rises extra early, a tinge of anticipation and maybe even excitement.
Arrival at Location: Guilt is gone, and excitement sets in. Jeremy breathes in the scenery and feels deep solace in his soul.
10 minutes later and less than half a mile on the trail: Jeremy gets a phone call: Mom-in-law has had a fall (or is in meltdown, or… insert other crisis).
Jeremy packs up, drives back, and tells himself this was a terrible idea.
It takes Jeremy months to even consider trying this outing again.
Sound at all familiar?
The Big Joy Killer: Anticipatory Distress
If you are a caregiver, let me reassure you of one really important truth: It is not wrong to allow yourself to experience joy. In fact, it is essential you find a way to keep it in your life as a fundamental component of “self care”. But, we can all acknowledge it is not easy to do, and requires a fresh creativity and new set of expectations. But before we get into that, let me point out one of the thieves in the shadows that undermines us daily: Anticipatory Distress.
It’s a term I recently heard Teepa Snow discuss in a dementia care webinar. “Anticipatory Distress”, in the caregiving realm, has to do with a low-level stress that exists in our lives when we are daily interacting with emotionally difficult people interactions. It’s that “walking on egg shells” sensation you are constantly experiencing when you are anticipating inevitable meltdowns, stubbornness, or outright personal accusations. It keeps you in a constant state of stress which has ripple effects on your sleep habits, your lifestyle, your psychology, your physical health, and ultimately your spiritual sense of well being.
Tina and I lived in a state of anticipatory distress for almost the entirety of our caregiving journey with Lewy Body dementia. It not only affects your perspective in the midst of daily responsibilities, but, like in the scenario described above, it can also stand as a bully on the pathway to experiencing self care.
Is it Possible to Overcome Anticipatory Distress?
Yes. It is not easy, but it is possible.
But how?
There are no quick recipes or miracle answers here, but some suggestions that we’ve found can help you combat anticipatory distress and reclaim a sense of peace and joy in the day to day.
Set new expectations
As in grief, one of the important stages when approaching healing is “acceptance”: Learning to accept that life as you knew it simply isn’t possible now. There is grieving in that, for sure. But once we accept that loss, we are able to set a new level of expectation around our experiences and capacities.
Weekend (or day long) excursions just weren’t possible any more. But that didn’t mean there weren’t other ways for me to find joy in the things I formerly loved. Maybe I’m not going to have the time to compose a symphony, but I can steal moments to write sonnets or quick, deeply soul-stirring hymns.
Which leads to the next suggestion…
Live in the moment
That’s correct, but maybe not in the way you suppose. Tina and I are big planners. We learned (well, I learned from Tina) that planning is critical to making positive things happen. But when caregiving, you literally have to recognize when moments of repose and spontaneity are happening and seize them with tenacity. This is more about being spiritually “present” than anything else. I couldn’t take a weekend photography trip to the wilderness, but I could grab my camera and learn to do some impromptu “street photography” as we were in the normal motion of life. Sometimes, in fact, this produced pictures that inspired me and those I was caring for in unexpected ways.
Along those lines, look for ways to involve the one you are caring for in those spontaneous moments of joy. Sure, I couldn’t take my Mother-in-Law on a day photography trip anywhere, but I could snap some fun impromptu “photo shoots” of her with my iPhone when we’d be out having coffee or going to church.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
It may not happen enough, but when someone asks what they could do to help, be ready with a response! (Here’s where the planning comes in :). If a night out is what you and your spouse need, or just an afternoon making pottery, don’t be afraid to put it out there and respond with something like “I could really use an afternoon off. It’s just so difficult to get away, and I need help making arrangements for that to happen”. You’d probably be surprised at the level of help people may be willing to give. I know you will feel let down often in this area, we are certainly familiar with feelings of abandonment, but I’d encourage you to not give up asking.
Learn to lean on Jesus
I almost hate to say that, for fear of sounding trite or pithy. But that thing He said about being the source of “living waters” is absolutely true. And it is true in a way it can’t possibly be true with any other belief system or object of worship. “Leaning on Jesus” may be an overused phrase, but in this sense, and for me personally, this involves an active reaching out to Him in my heart and in my prayer, and learning to do so instinctively in the “here and now” moments of caregiving. “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, ESV)
I believe this works, because I’ve experienced it at work in my own life. I’m still a very inconsistent learner, but am striving to “practice the presence of God” (as Brother Lawrence would put it - wonderful quick read worth checking out) in a way that allows Him to transform my daily rhythms and make space for the emergence of new joy and peace.
Anticipatory Comfort
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
(1 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV)
One powerful antidote to anticipatory distress is anticipatory comfort. I think to experience this phenomenon you have to live in a place of acceptance that undesirable and stressful things are going to happen. It’s an absolute given if you are a caregiver. Anticipatory comfort comes when we can visualize the kindness and compassion of God at work in the future stresses we will experience. Jesus promised us “in this world you will have troubles, but fear not, I have overcome the world”.
Fill your devotional life (what little you can plan for as a caregiver!) with testimonies of Christ followers who have endured tremendous suffering, yet experienced Christ’s transforming joy and power. Write these promises of Jesus on your heart, and maybe even your mirror!
Pools of Refreshing
Psalm 84 has long been one of my favorite passages of scripture, and I return to it often in times of stress or suffering:
“Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca (“Weeping”)
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.”
The picture is powerful - a person journeying through desert wilderness, suffering, and grief, whose presence is making that place of wilderness a place of life-giving springs (living water). Friends, that’s a miracle. And that’s exactly what Jesus does in our places of weeping and desperation. We can anticipate comfort instead of distress, because we know that’s exactly the kind of thing Jesus does in the middle of our suffering.
How about you?
Are there pointers or tactics you’ve tried that are successful in promoting self care and experiencing joy in your caregiving journey? We’d love to hear about them. Please reach out to us via the “Contact Us” page to share your thoughts.
