Longing for the Known
Longing & Becoming Part 2
Time lapse
Longing:
“a strong desire especially for something unattainable”.
( Merriam-Webster dictionary )
I’m a very visual person. Often the only way I can really grab hold of some deep conceptual thing is to see it illustrated. “Longing” as a concept, however, is not difficult to understand. It’s an emotion that is central to every human’s experience. We often desire things that are beyond our grasp, maybe unattainable. It is certainly a prominent emotional experience in the life of every caregiver.
I was recently visiting with my Dad in the mountains of North Carolina. Naturally, I brought my camera and drone with the aspiration of catching some gorgeous sunset, or aerial views of Linville Gorge. But what has stuck with me most was the assortment of short time lapses I set up and let capture while we were eating, talking, or just hanging out (see the compilation above).
As I’ve been contemplating this “longing & becoming” series, it occurred to me that longing, as an emotion, is a lot like a time lapse of clouds rolling over hills and lapping at darkened valleys. Longing presents us with desired things, or states of being that slip through our grasp like whisping fog. It’s there, sometimes caressing the vulnerable or sore places in us with elusive promise, and then quickly dissipating leaving us feeling very alone.
What do you long for?
For many caregivers, there is longing for the “care free” days of yesterday where our lives weren’t dragged into the gravitational pull of the caring need before us. We long for the relationships of our childhood, or the health and independence of our loved one, or an end to what feels like unfair suffering and despair.
Longing is a powerful emotion which can drive us either to hopelessness or gratitude, depression or joy.
nos·tal·gia (nä-ˈstal-jə)
: a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition
: the state of being homesick : HOMESICKNESS
“I just want to go back to Campbells Creek” was a constant refrain from Nola in her battle with Lewy Body dementia. Campbells Creek, WV was associated with happy childhood memories, simpler times, family, friends, and a strong sense of ‘home’. No wonder the pervasive homesickness continually swirled about her, a time lapse fog that was present to the very end of her fight.
It is very common in dementia and Alzheimer’s for a person to live in the past. They may in fact become so disconnected from present reality that as their brain physically recedes, they actually reside in their memory, interacting with people from long ago as if they are in the present. This can be painful for caregivers as we may long for them to be cognitively present with us now.
With Nola’s Lewy Body dementia, she was living a kind of double existence. She was very attuned to the now, also living with powerful yearning for a past she could no longer attain. This drove her to great anxiety, restlessness and lament. It was painful for us to almost daily go through the undulations of deep nostalgia and grief-filled realization of her present loss of autonomy and function.
Practical Caregiving Note:
Don’t try to correct your loved one’s nostalgia or living in the past. There is a very physiological sense in which these deeply stored memories become the most accessible to the dementia sufferer as they experience atrophy in the brain. While nostalgia can be very painful, it can also be a bridge to direct that “homesickness” heaven-ward (more on that to come). If the past-living is causing pain in the present (as it was with Nola), try entering into those memories with your loved one, inquiring about experiences, family members, places and events. Let them tell their stories. There is something powerful about being listened to and being heard.
Henri Nouwen speaks about this in his book “Reaching Out”:
”…when we take the word diagnosis in its most original and profound meaning of knowing through and through (gnosis = knowledge; dia = through and through ), we can see that the first and most important aspect of all healing is an interested effort to know the patients fully, in all their joys and pains, pleasures and sorrows, ups and downs, highs and lows, which have given shape and form to their life and have led them through the years to their present situation. This is far from easy because not only our own but also other peoples' pains are hard to face. Just as we like to reach our own destination through bypasses, we also like to offer advice, counsel and treatment to others without having really known fully the wounds that need healing.”
While it can’t change present circumstances, thoroughly listening to the past can actually bring groundedness in the now, and open doors for healing. It’s in recounting the stories of the past we enter the sacred grounds of remembrance.
re·mem·brance (ri-ˈmem-brən(t)s)
: the state of bearing in mind
: an act of recalling to mind
: a greeting or gift recalling or expressing friendship or affection
“To us, recollection is a holy act; we sanctify the present by remembering the past. To us Jews, the essence of faith is memory. To believe is to remember.”
― Abraham Joshua Heschel
Remembrance, as a discipline, is something the Scriptures exhort us to be doing constantly.
“And I said, ‘This is my anguish;
But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.’
I will remember the works of the LORD;
Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.”
(Psalm 77:10-11)“Seek the LORD and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!
Remember His marvelous works which He has done,
His wonders, and the judgments of His mouth..”
(Psalm 105:4-5)
What makes remembrance different from nostalgic longing?
Where nostalgic longing yearns for a state of being that can no longer be attained, remembrance directs our gaze instead to the One who sovereignly holds that past, and the present, and the future. Remembrance is an act of “recalling to mind” those divine gifts where God has expressed to us His “friendship or affection”- deliverance, miracles, healings, and unmistakable tokens of grace and undeserved kindness.
Remembrance is an act of worship, where we force our mind, heart, and soul to align around the experienced truth of Christ’s goodness throughout our life. In so doing, remembrance increases our awareness of God’s faithful presence in our “now”, and raises our faith and trust in His promise of deliverance and wholeness in our “not yet”.
Remembrance draws up a line of buoys extending across time, through a sea of hopelessness, and helps us to see and experience all over again the hope, peace, assurance, and joy of Christ’s greatest promise: His presence.
Where has God shown up in your story?
In the lives of your loved ones?
Remember. Call these things to mind. When tempted to drift into nostalgic longing, the yearning for a state of being once known, but no longer attainable, urge your heart, mind, and soul instead to meditate on God’s acts of grace in your life. Rehearse those things in your mind. Let the remembrance of Christ’s goodness raise your expectancy for His presence now, no matter the struggle you face.
It's no accident that at the heart of the Christian faith are two sacraments which have remembrance at the core: baptism and communion (or “Eucharist”, depending on your tradition). Baptism is an outward expression of an inward transformation, a remembering and declaring Christ’s forgiveness, cleansing, and rescue of your soul. Holy Communion is another tangible act of remembrance as we commemorate Christ’s death on the cross, the ultimate act of sacrifice which alone makes the celebrated reality in baptism possible.
“And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he said, “Take this, and divide it among yourselves. For I tell you that from now on I will not drink of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes. And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”
(Luke 22:17-19, NKJV)
He Remembers
“Nevertheless He regarded their affliction,
When He heard their cry;
And for their sake He remembered His covenant…”
Psalm 106:44 (NKJV)
Remembrance, above all, drives us to the realization that He remembers us. It’s not as if He forgets, or gets distracted, but in His “remembering” is His Holy action which again and again sets us free, heals us, and elevates our hope.
“When the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit…”
(Titus 3:4–5, NIVUK)
And He saves us over and over from a multitude of struggles, hardships, and trials.
A Practical/Spiritual Caregiver Note
For those caregivers and their loved ones from a Christian tradition, communion can be an often missed element of worship as you may not be able to regularly bring your loved one to a worship service at a church. I firmly believe communion, as an act of worshipful remembrance for all Christ-followers, does not require a clergy person to administer (I realize some faith traditions may differ with me on that, and there is something special about a pastor, reverend, or priest dispensing Eucharist to you).
Communion, however, is an invitation to all to remember physically the sacrifice of Christ. I have found deeply meaningful the opportunities we have had to administer communion as a family, either in our home or in a seniorcare or memory care facility. Simple bread and grape juice will do :-), though you can also order small mobile communion kits online in many places if that feels more official to you.
I believe communion, as an act or worship, can help redirect nostalgic fixation toward remembrance of Christ, the One who remembers us.
Finally, remembrance can inform our homesick heart and cause our yearning to look forward to a heavenly home reality. But we’ll pick up with that one in the next blog.
Until then, here’s a worship song from Maverick City, “Remember”, to help guide your worship and encourage your heart:
